so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I just gargled with NyQuil
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
