I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Randomize
