god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize