I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
