i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I forget how to act sober
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