i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
