The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
