So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
