i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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