Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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