I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize