I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize