coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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