I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
