my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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