He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
