Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Randomize
