Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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