Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
