I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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