I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
