I wish I could teleport
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
