I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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