We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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