I'm eating all of the evidence.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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