what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
