someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
