I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
