I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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