i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
