Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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