did you get engaged???
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
