Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
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