She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
