You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
