happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
