I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
