If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
