Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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