I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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