she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
