Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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