tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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