You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
