i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
