Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
