Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
