i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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