You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
