my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
