I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
