We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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