The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
