I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
