Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
