I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
