I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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