just survived the first fart of the relationship.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
