I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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