we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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