There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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