she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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