Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
